Of soul searching and flippancy

I've been telling several people lately that I wish I were lesbian. And most of them either laugh it off, or ask me if I'm serious - and I'm not. Not really anyway. I only want to lesbian out of sheer perversity, to borrow one of Banana Girl's favourite words. It's that feeling I didn't understand when I was 13, which people in KC must have been feeling. Sidetracking a bit, I'm sure doofy is amused by my synonymising KC girls and lesbianism. The feeling of compulsion to do something just for the sake of it, of apathy so strong that you can feel the lack of emotion.

I want to be a hunter again, I want to see the world alone again, to take a chance at life again, so let me go, let me leave. - Dido, Hunter.

Every time I've ever pushed someone away, I haven't thought twice about it, and I've managed to run as far as I like, to hide for as long as it took for me to recuperate and be "strong" again. I don't understand this perception people have of me being a strong person. I wish Sean were here, because he explains things in a way that makes them seem so obvious. He makes me feel small without being resentful.

Now I'm trying to be logical and reason something out with myself, but I'm not sure I believe in reasoning with your emotions.

And then the Banana Girl tells me about people getting abortions, and I think maybe I'm not so poorly off after all. I haven't had a best friend, but I've got the best friends. Awww, cheesyness galore.

I had a brilliant lunch with my mom at Toast at Taka. And I got myself books from the library so hopefully school won't seem so impossible anymore. And doofy and twinks made fun of me for being a botox face =(

I love how the switch just tripped between soul searching and flippancy. Denial and repression are in my blood, and some days I couldn't be more thankful for it.